Austin Convention Center
500 East Cesar Chavez Street
Last Saturday, Jen and I went on a field trip together. We shared a unique cultural experience which enriched our appreciation for pillow fights and arm wrestling while broadening our perspective on bad ass chicks on wheels.
I had heard rumors about the resurgence of the RollerDerby across the country. I had seen ads on craigslist.org for girls who aren't "afraid to fall on your ass and have a good time." It seemed like a fun, kitschy outlet for girls to embrace their aggressive side while wearing short skirts and feeling sexy at the same time.
I'm a fan of kitsch and feeling sexy. So, when the opportunity arose to check out the TXRD and their championship cup, I jumped at the chance.
We arrived at the Austin Convention Center and just sort of stood there, dumbfounded, and took in the scene. There were costumes galore. Everywhere. And the oddest blend of people... young, old, families, singles, yuppies, prepsters, bikers, cowboys... a few guys in overalls whose beards grew longer and thicker than the hair that grew down their backs. Girls in platforms, short skirts, and dayglo-colored wigs who were sitting in the audience and, suprisingly, not part of the show. Oh, and there was a guy in a Jedi robe with a light saber who was desperate for the limelight.
At the center of it all was a huge, banked track. On it a few girls were doing some warmup laps in their torn fishnets and short plaid skirts that were constantly flipping to reveal ruffled panties. One of the girls was long and lean and was either stretching her adductors or just skating spread eagle for the hell of it. Another girl was very, very voluptuous. Her short skirt did not cover all of her assets. Underneath, she wore ruffled panties and fishnets that were ripped up a la Courtney Love circa 1994.
Jen and I were handed some handclappers in the colors of the Holy Rollers - one of the teams that were competing that day. Looking at their side, they had taken sacrilegion to a new level of badass. Many of them were wearing tee shirts screen printed with Jesus in his crown of thorns with "Mother Fucking Holy Rollers" scrawled across the top. There were banners with the Holy Spirit, crosses, and a priest and a nun in full costume.
The other side, Putas del Fuego had a lot more seating, so we made our way over there passing through a odd assortment of goth, yuppie, and hick. Over on that side, we were given gold maracas.
The arena filled quickly with adoring fans who purchased beer, checked out the threads and posters for sale, and reconnected with other adoring fans. It was like a giant reunion of some sort. I felt like Jen and I were crashing someones wedding. Trying to guess how the guy in the overalls was related to the chick in the leopard print dress and beehive. Trying to figure out if something sordid went down between a few of the schoolgirls.
It was people watching at its best and we were very entertained.
Then the main show started... er the *ahem* SPORTING event.
First, there was a broad overview of the rules and how the game is played by the announcers. I didn't understand any of it and figured I'd just get it eventually from watching. The line ups of each team were announced. Each member of the Holy Rollers did a lap after her name was announced and ended the lap with a knee-slide to the priest who then blessed her.
Following the line up was the worst rendition ever of the national anthem. It was painful to listen to and I wondered if it was part of the kitsch of the event. But, I think that the woman was actually pretty serious about it. Think of the worst American Idol audition you ever saw a clip of... and then stretch that out to the entire length of our anthem. Add in the live factor.
good times.
Let the games begin!
Here are some highlights:
1. There are four quarters of play, each 8 minutes long. Then there is a 45 minute half-time. Yes - 45. As in almost an hour.
2. The derby girls make Hockey players look tame, lame, and well-behaved. Slamming girls into the rails, tripping girls, cross-checking, and beating girls to the ground with punches to the head are all part of the game. I winced with a "Ouch!" and a "hot damn!" now and again.
3. While the roller girls are serious about the competition, no one is serious about the penalties. One of the Putas del Fuego gave a beat down to one of the Holy Rollers. The penalties are handed out by Eva Knieval who runs Spank Alley. She spins a wheel and then reveals their penalty. That time, the penalty was a Pillow Fight. The two girls were given pillows and they fought.... with pillows and then the chick from Putas just ditched her pillow and continued giving the Holy Roller a beatdown. So, her penalty was that she got to beat the shit out of the girl again. Oh, and Holy Rollers lost a point.
Other penalties included:
Spanking - Spank Alley Members (chosen by lottery) get to spank the player who made the penalty.
Reverse Spanking - The player with the penalty spanks Spank Alley
Arm Wrestling - The player with the penalty arm wrestles a girl from the other team.
Long Jump - The player with the penalty and another girl from the other team have to take a running (er ... skating) start and then jump as far as they can. The "landing" is very, very hard to watch.
Tug of War - just kind of tragic on skates, really.
I discovered that the Texas RollerDerby is like WWF... except with actual athleticsm, no visible use of steroids (though, there certainly did seem to be a lot of rage), and a lot more entertainment. That being said, these chicks scare me. I would not like to come across one in a dark alley, that's for sure.
However, the roller derby girls and the fans what love them are really a fun bunch that know how to have a good time. I don't think I'll ever be one of them, but it was definitely fun crashing their party.
Oh, and I got a "You're cute" from a punk girl. If that’s how you roll, ie, you are chick that's into chicks, especially rebellious punk and or goth chicks, this is mos def a place for you to meet that special someone to skate off into the sunset with.
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